And Avoid repeating
the same mistakes
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what makes us creatures of habit
Remember when you were a kid and were told never to touch the stove? What was the first thing you did? Knowing that many in denial and ego will deny the answer, let’s approach this question differently. When someone gave you advice or told you to do something that they felt would benefit you, did you take the advice? The truth is that we don’t do this because of our brain’s negative bias, which is something our brain is biologically programmed to do so. We take any advice to give us the perception that those giving us the advice are “trying to tell us how to live our lives.” Which is something that many of us experience when people disapprove of the paths we are following in life. From that negative experience, we develop a bias that we resent the idea altogether regardless of the good intention, which serves the same for any event or situation that results in a negative experience. Whether it be emotionally, psychologically, or physically. This is our biological programming our brains “negative bias Our Brain’s Negative Bias | Psychology Today.”
These “biases” we establish go back to the thing that stops us from facing the fears and allowing ourselves to grow from any experience we had that was a negative one. When you add onset trauma, we tend to avoid anything that will relieve that vulnerable moment. In a sense, we start to condition ourselves into settling to prevent experiencing the possibility of a negative experience and convincing ourselves that we are okay with where we are. The effect of the denial we develop keeps us trapped within the walls that we build for ourselves. To assure that through survival instinct, we avoid threats that prevent us from achieving the things we deserve through the hard work that we have already invested in ourselves through our lives. And because we are 0nly human, it can happen to most self-assuring people. But to stop ourselves from forfeiting the things we worked hard to earn. And to avoid letting self-doubt and the past convince you that you are incapable of accomplishments that you already have done so in the past or the accomplishments you still yet haven’t achieve. Here are the steps I took when presented with these eight insecurities.
the perceived fear versus the reality and the controllable measures
I’VE DONE EVERYTHING RIGHT! WHY ARE THINGS NOT GOING AS I THOUGHT THEY WOULD? WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME? WHY CAN I NEVER GET AHEAD IN LIFE?
In this feeling, we have to stop beating ourselves up and start looking more in-depth into the scenario. Have we done everything? In many cases, we jump into scenarios with optimism and confidence. With the motivation to gain a positive outcome without fully knowing what we are getting ourselves into. When a situation starts to look like it will have a negative outcome, we tend to give up and not obtain the knowledge needed to overcome the obstacles, which we don’t consider throughout optimism. When threats also become present, we avoid the situation altogether through survival instinct. Analyzing the threats and obstacles tends to be a missed opportunity caused by our biased. Having an action plan can better prepare us for the worst-case scenario and find the alternative route in reaching the desired goal.
One of the things that I also began to realize is that things happened for a reason. Things don’t work out, not because bad things are meant to happen to you. But because there is a lesson to be learned. Many of the unfortunate events I encountered provided a personal skill and advantage that I could use later in life, which is how I avoided repeating the same mistakes. It helped me in containing my pride, a response through insecurity to be receptive to suggestions. Thus, utilizing the task of creating an action plan. That helped reach the results I would hope to attain. In addition to planning, I began to gain more knowledge of the issues at hand. Perfect example, behavioral patterns. Gaining more knowledge about the subject helped me identify consistent actions. Being positive or negative means establishing boundaries and avoiding having the deflection thrown through their shortcomings and insecurities that trigger my self-doubt.
I took your advice, and it didn’t work. Maybe you don’t have my best interest in hand? Perhaps you don’t want to see me succeed? Or possibly your just steering me in the wrong direction on purpose?
We all have had our fair share of disappointment from the people we vested in. But also disappointments by strangers in public social situations. Where in those strangers tend to violate our boundaries in degrading ways. One example is when you’re at a bar, and instead of having a conversation with you, they tend to start touching you inappropriately to communicate an intention. Which occurred during my night out that was joined by my Uber driver. During our conversation, he and I were engaged, a man sits next to him. Which shortly followed an unsettling look of discomfort, which I asked if he was okay with. Although he responded yes, I could identify with the look that matched the feeling. When the man perceived my non-verbal cues as a passive-aggressive act of intimidation, I verbally communicated the un-welcomed actions. That resulted in him leaving our vicinity and avoiding me the entire night. Why is this example relevant? Because we are conditioned to pick and choose our fights without learning how to establish and maintain boundaries. Through social and inherited conditioning, we become passive-aggressive and gain a negative bias that triggers our established positive relationships, making the erratic conclusion that everyone is going to the same. Ignoring the work they already put in to prove to us by showing they have our best interest in hand.
One of the things that started to discourage me through publishing my fourth book was that the advice given by those who have become family in my publishing venture was not effective. Which triggered a moment of self-doubt that had me resent the writing career that is slowly taking off. As with each book that is freshly released, sales are great. But after the first six weeks, it’s a flatline. Investing money on outside marketing that was wasted, I began to feel that maybe I am not good enough. Which then lead to thinking the worst of the people who cared before the action plan I created. Failing to see the disadvantages I came in with. But, after creating the action plan and doing the research, I started not only to find alternate ways to reach the best-case scenario goal but on alternate ways to assure that I avoided repeating the same disadvantage I experienced in Houston.
In growing my knowledge about the literary industry, I developed solutions within the best case scenario plan that would benefit everyone involved. In addition to that, I was laser focused on the progress I’ve already made. After three years after the Houston incident. I’ve come extremely far from where I was when I moved there in 2016. The best best case scenario would be 1. The literary agent would take me on as a hybrid author and help grow “The Rideshare Chronicles” fan base. Gladly giving them a percentage of sales, since I haven’t had any success in. Mainly because I spitting out storylines. That the small fan base is communicating to be quality work. 2. Getting a literary agent who wouldn’t represent me as a hybrid author. But would be willing to publish a book through traditional publishing. And being ahead of the game, already have one close to completion; not part of the first series. Realizing that some of these forums and blogs who were against traditional publishing. Became a venting pace from those who weren’t able to adapt to the traditional standards. Already accustomed to doing things their way. Not being willing to give a percentage for the hard work and resources agents provide. Many already being successful at self-publishing. Which validates that some solutions may work for some, while it may not be an option for others. The main objected is to get to the anticipated goal.
The concerns I realized, stemmed from my lack of knowledge and the failure to become more informed about the industry. Which compelled me to take these steps to reassure myself and give some direction. Whereas before, I would wing it through life. I think about the actions that the old version of myself would do, which would be, allowing self-doubt and insecurities to take over. Allowing the voices of my past validate the self-doubt I was feeling. Reacting defensively would result in self-sabotaging behaviors. All because I didn’t do the work beforehand to create an action plan and lived in denial on a decision I made to settle. Instead of focusing on the progress I made through the journey. I would of let all the progress be for nothing.
next week, we will go into the importance of a routine and how distraction with limits and self control can help instill the motivation to go all the way.
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Frieda The Writer 